It Gets Better – My Story

R.I.P.: High School Jerks

I would say that through my junior high and high school career, I had four real consistent bullies. Well, at least four people come to mind. There were plenty of other minor players, but four serious ones.  I could use their names (and call them a few new ones), but name calling was their style, not mine and anyone that went to that school, know enough to know who I they were/are.

I tried telling my junior high school counselor that some of the guys were pushing me around in gym class and calling me names, he told me that I “could probably use a little toughening up.”  I knew that I was on my own.

My senior year, a guy carved “FAG” into my locker.  I found out who did it when he showed me the pocket knife he used.

One sat behind me in history class. He would flick the back of my head and ears, he would make that fake sound that he was spitting on my back, and he would call me fag, faggot, and queer. He made it really hard for me to pay attention in class and learn anything. He was also in my gym class. He would always hit me harder than needed for whatever sport we were playing. He died our senior year.  I think he was hit by a logging truck while walking down the road.

Another bully called me the all standard names, but also added hard shoves into the school hallway walls. I was very small compared to everyone else my sophomore year, my mother bought a winter jacket for me that was on the big side with anticipation of my growth. The first day I wore it to school, this bully asked me while he was standing in front of the class if the jacket was my boyfriends. He sat in the front of the class right near the door and the clock, the obvious direction that everyone would look. He would embarrass me by telling me loud enough for the whole class to hear to stop looking at him. Then he would turn to a friend and say how gross it was that I was checking him out, I obviously was not. I rearranged my entire route between classes to avoid going down the hallway where his locker was. He did and said things to me that he knew annoyed and upset me and he clearly got pleasure in my torment. He was instrumental in me hating myself, my school, my town, and my life. He died a couple years ago. They never say why people die in the newspaper.

One is a minister in now, he sent some bullshit grace/bless message to our class for the high school reunion. Maybe he found a different path. Maybe he found other people to bully?  Whatever.

I don’t know what happened to the other one.

I do not feel sad, I do not feel anything really. I guess I feel odd that people my age are dying in general. I guess that I feel sad that they are dead and the only thing that some people remember about them is that they were total assholes in high school. That has got to suck because I know or at least hope that they got to love and be loved by someone. I hope they did. I hope that they got to experience passion and and deep connections to other humans. I hope that they managed to deal with the unmanaged fear or rage or whatever it was that caused them to strike out at people.

I do not believe in karma, it isn’t a fair trade. While I admit that they did make my school life horrible on purpose, I really do not think of them or what they did much anymore. I know that it is because of them that I went through a very rocky period in my late teens and early 20′s. I hated myself so much, I thought I was stupid and worthless and futureless. But I came out of it and it is because of that journey that I am who I am today. For the most part, I like who I am today.

I guess that I also am a bit sad that I will never have the chance to see and meet them now. That I do not have the chance to see their growth and change and say, “Think nothing of it, I know I don’t” if they are able to recognize the torment they caused.

It get better.  It really does.

*********************

That said, it is most important that parents do not dismiss their children when they say they are being bullied. Advice of ignoring it is horrible, it does not work. You have to understand what your child’s reality is. While it may seem trivial and no big deal to you as an adult, school and fellow classmates are your child’s entire reality. Being an outcast in your reality sucks. Being called horrible names day in and day out by the inhabitants of your reality really sucks. Do not expect the school to change anything. You need to teach your kids to fight, not necessarily physically, but fight for themselves as people who have just as much of a right to be there as they do and to be there unharnessed. And if it comes to it, fight physically to protect themselves. And if you are a parent, teach your kids to not be bystanders. When they see something happening, teach them to stick up for what is right. There were 30 other kids that sat silent in that classroom while one kid called me “fag” and knocked my books out of my arms every day. They did nothing. While it may not be your child that is the bully or the one being bullied, they can still change the situation.

For whatever reason, even in liberal non-confrontational Seattle, I still get called “fag” to this day, usually from across the street. If they are closer, I simply reply “I know. Does calling me names make you feel better about yourself?” It is a lot to take in all at once, so I have rarely had a reply. That, and I weigh 50 pounds more than I did in high school. That helps.

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9 thoughts on “It Gets Better – My Story

  1. Great quote to remember, sort of combines the notion of karma and self-direction:
    “People pay for what they do and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead.”

  2. My heart was saddened to read this. Especially the part of the one bully becoming a minster. I consider myself a very strong believer in Christ and it puts a pit in my stomach when I hear about people who have chosen to take the “high ground” but really don’t understand that taking the higher ground, at least as Christ taught it, means to take the lower one. To wash the feet of our enemies, to turn the other cheek and, most importantly, to love one another. I never understood how people could be so mean to one another. I had a bully in elementary school who taunted me every day on the bus. She threw my back pack around, kicked me in the shins and harassed me on the play ground. No matter who I told, no one believed me or would help me. I think of her often, and wonder what became of her…

    Having read your posts, it seems you have turned out to be amazing. You have an incredible sense of humor and emotional strength. And, each of those bullies owe you an apology, but the more amazing part is that you have moved on with your life instead of letting them take over it.

    • I am sure it is a power/control thing, the reason why he became a minister, which is not a real reason to choose that profession. Ultimately, I don’t care.

  3. Pingback: Daily Prompt: Charitable – It Gets Better – waldina

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  5. I had to read this to a friend who had the exact same experience in school. He just finished reading the “velvet rage” and opened up to me more than he ever has. I always new you had a hard childhood, but only ever knew you as one of the hottest, sexiest and smartest person i have ever known. I could never keep my hands off you…….And reading this again confirmed that not only are you hot you are one of the smartest men i know……

    Im lucky to call you my friend
    Love you tons!
    Rafael

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