This Is Why You Were Friended or Unfriended

Posted on August 4, 2012 by S.P.A.

November 17th is National Unfriend Day, but why put off tomorrow what you can do today? I feel no obligation to remain facebook friends with people from high school or old coworkers or people I used to think were cute or celebrities or anyone that has a very different political/religious/social view. It’s a social media, not an argument media or disrespect others opinions media. It probably would have been better if facebook would have used a different word than “friends,” because un-friending is taken so personally when it doesn’t need to be. I do not see the need to “celebrate the differences” or “agree to disagree.” There are reasons that people fall out of contact with people they knew through circumstances of proximity, it is just that the internet now makes us feel obligated to stay in contact. We used to have the choice to keep in touch with people we no longer see daily, I say we still do. I recently went through my friends list and made some deep cuts using a pretty simple criteria: you need to be smart, funny and/or entertaining. I have to like you. Here are my examples:

If we worked together ten years ago and barely socialized outside of work then and not at all now and you have not helped me get a job at whatever company you moved to and you are not smart, funny and/or entertaining? Bye.

If your politics are very different than mine and you routinely refer to people with views different than yours in derogatory terms and are not smart, funny and/or entertaining? Later.

If you use your religion as a weapon against people who do not believe in your exact flavor of spirituality and are not smart, funny and/or entertaining? See ya.

If you invite me to join Farmville (or whatever is the next Farmville). Tootle-Loo

If your posts are sad pathetic cries for attention. So long.

If you are not smart or funny. The least you could do was post embarrassing drunken photos of yourself. Peace out.

If we went to high school together and the most we have ever interacted was the Facebook friend request and you have not grown into someone that is smart, funny and/or entertaining? I gotta go.

But do not take it personally, it is not you, it’s me. Well, it is not just me, it is an internet-wide trend and chances are you are unfriending too.

My reasons are quite similar to a recent study results. According to Pew’s most recent study on social networking sites, most users don’t agree with their friends’ political postings. As the election approaches, it’s only going to get worse. Here’s why we’re unfriending one another these days:

• Because you post too often about political subjects (10 percent of users have blocked or hidden someone for this reason)

• Because you posted something you find so disagreeable it was offensive (9 percent)

• Because you argued with me about politics (8 percent — but doesn’t it take two to make an argument?)

• Because you posted something that would offend my friends (5 percent)

• Because I disagree with your political posts (4 percent)

Unfriending has become so rampant that the word was 2009’s word of the year in the Oxford Dictionary. Emotions run high around unfriending, too — especially now that there are apps that notify users when they’ve been dropped from someone else’s Facebook list. There have even been cases of people reacting violently in real life to a cyber unfriending.

Other studies about Facebook unfriending, such as a 2010 one conducted by the University of Colorado at Denver, have come to similar conclusions.

“Unfriending reflects the instrumentalization and commodifying of friendship on Facebook,” Lee Siegel, author of “Against the Machine: Being Human in the Age of the Electronic Mob,” told the New York Times. “Why unfriend someone at all? After all, in the real world, you don’t just ignore an obnoxious relative. The very act of unfriending acknowledges that the Facebook definition of friend is different from the traditional.”

Here is how to clean up your facebook news feed:

Hide a person or a type of story (ex: quizzes or games)
Hover over the top-right menu of a story, click the drop-down menu and choose what you’d like to hide:

Hide story will remove the story you’re looking at
Hide all by and Unsubscribe from will remove the story you’re looking at, as well as all future stories from a person, Page, group, event or app
Report story or spam will remove the story you’re looking at and help keep your news feed clear of stories like it in the future

If you accidentally hide something you want to see, click the Undo link.

To unfriend someone:

Go to that person’s profile (timeline)
Hover over the Friends box at the top of their profile (timeline)
Click Unfriend

Note: If you choose to unfriend someone, you will be removed from that person’s friends list as well. If you want to be friends with this person again, you’ll need to send a new friend request.

Netiquette 101 (waldina.com)
The Ultimate Guide to The Use of Facebook in Education (educatorstechnology.com)
Unfriended? Five Ways to Manage Online Rejection (my.psychologytoday.com)
People You Need To Unfriend On Facebook Immediately (buzzfeed.com)

How Facebook Makes You Think Life’s Not Fair

Posted on June 5, 2012 by S.P.A.

I must admit, the main reason I like this article is because of the fat cat photo. I like the idea of the cat cropping out all his fatness and even photoshopping off the extra huge cheeks. It’s funny.

The article feels true to me, but also, it feels right. I do limit my time on Facebook. Not exactly because I feel everyone has a much more fabulous life than I do, but partly. Partly also that no one wants to have a real discussion. You post something that someone disagrees with and they attack you or you disagree with something someone has written and they take it as a threat.

I once made a point of replying to a post that someone made about the vandals on May Day, he called them “deadbeat retards living off of the government.” I found it to be a lazy assumption about a group of people that were already getting too much attention when compared with the number of people who peacefully protested. I don’t agree with the destruction they caused, but I also do not see any point of posts like that when there are plenty of actual facts that he could have used. He told me that he wasn’t surprised that I was sticking up for them because “people that think like you do” always stick together. All I was trying to do was to elevate his argument away from silly name-calling. His cousin then decided to stick up for him by stating, “last time I checked, we were in America and entitled to our own opinions.” I explained that I agreed, but she continued to attack. I deleted all my comments and unfriended him.

Repeat a similar scenario about childhood cancer and another about gun control involving people that I used to know 20 years ago and reconnected over Facebook (but the most Facebook interaction we had was at the initial friend request), both resulting in me deleting all my comments and un-friending them. I am exhausted.

I know we all can agree to disagree, but at the same time, we don’t have to agree to remain Facebook friends. There are no requirements or etiquette that make you keep all your Facebook friends. Think about it as real life: you loose contact with people for any number of reasons, it just happens. Now, you kind of have to make it happen, but it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, and even if you think it does make you a bad person, fuck it, pull the trigger and un-friend. Unclog your Facebook feed of people that hold it hostage, stop diluting it with garbage. They probably won’t even notice.

Call it the unwritten rule of Facebook: People don’t post pictures about the parts of their lives that suck. And while you sit in your boring, old apartment and flip through photos of your buddy’s trip to New Zealand, you may start to wonder why your life is so dull. Turns out you’re not the only one, finds a new study from Utah Valley University.

Facebook is all about managing other people’s impressions, the study explains. Past research has shown that Facebook users carefully cultivate profiles that highlight positive attributes and associations, while downplaying or excluding undesirable traits.

Duh, right? But here’s where it gets interesting: The Utah Valley team wondered how these exaggeratedly awesome profiles might impact self-perception among regular Facebook users. To find out, they recruited 425 undergraduates and asked each to complete a questionnaire detailing their use of the social networking site and their outlook on life.

Their findings: The more time a student spent on Facebook, the more likely he was to believe that his friends’ lived happier lives, and that life itself is unfair.

Those feelings increased among students who had the greatest number of Facebook “friends” that weren’t really personal acquaintances. (Example: That dude in your econ class who you’ve talked to exactly once.)

Why does this happen? Staring at everyone else’s happiest times on Facebook gives you the impression that those people are always having a blast, explains study author Grace Chou, Ph.D., a behavioral scientist at UVU. As a result, you subconsciously start to believe that everyone is living a cooler, more exciting life than you are—even though you’d probably realize that wasn’t true if you really thought about it. This effect is magnified when you don’t know your “friend” personally because your perception of his or her life is based exclusively on a (somewhat bogus) Facebook profile.

Now, don’t get us wrong. There are plenty of benefits to Facebook. Studies have shown the site can help facilitate civic and political participation, and it allows you to stay connected with real-life friends and family members. But too much time spent in the Facebook utopia can be a downer, especially if your “friends” are really just random acquaintances, Chou says.

The students in the study spent an average of about 5 hours each week on Facebook. Aim to stay at or below that level, and restrict your group of “friends” to real friends, and life may seem a little sweeter, Chou advises.

via How Facebook Makes You Think Life’s Not Fair | Men’s Health News.

Friends – The Urban Etiquette Handbook – Self Help

Posted on May 17, 2012 by S.P.A.

When can you send a thank-you via e-mail?

A mass e-mail is actually preferable when thanking people who combined to put together a work project or totally rockin’ party, as it emphasizes the communal nature of the achievement and offers the opportunity for public praise. Everything else (e.g., weddings, gifts, anniversaries, job promotions or interviews, etc.) still goes on nice, high-fiber stationery or a store-bought card.

How do you handle it when you, in full party panic, can’t remember the name of someone you know?

Blame the panic! In fact, don’t just blame the panic, inflate it. Begin talking about how flustered you are: You thought it was Thursday for a second, you put your drink down five minutes ago and can’t find it, you are so out of it that you’ve forgotten the name . . . of someone across the room whose name, in reality, you do remember! Then, conspiratorially ask the person whose name you can’t recall to introduce herself to the third party—as you laugh all the way to the First National Bank of Knowing Everybody’s Name.

How do you bring up the subject of a friend’s serious medical problem?

The simple answer is, you don’t. If someone has a medical condition that’s serious but not visually detectable, and he hasn’t broached the subject with you, chances are it’s because he doesn’t want it broached at all. People have all sorts of legitimate reasons for wanting to keep health issues private. You can let your friend know you’re concerned—without embarrassing him—with an earnest gaze and a sincere “So, how are you doing?” which communicates empathy without raising the subject out loud if he really doesn’t feel like talking.

How do you acknowledge obvious plastic surgery?

If the intentions were subtle, pretend you don’t know exactly what change your friend has undergone, even if she looks like a convenience-store thief masked in Saran Wrap. Something like, “Oh, wow . . . you look great. I can’t put my finger on what’s different, but you look years younger.” If the operation was done expressly to garner attention—say the former B-cup is now a DD with the top three buttons undone—well, then just let it rip: “Wow! Those hooters are like big twin Hindenburgs!”

What’s the best response to a racist remark at a dinner party?

Nervous laughter is the inevitable reflex. But the failure to respond will certainly add to your hangover, no matter how much gin has been consumed. The first line of defense against bigotry is to assume that it’s a joke, and say so. “You must be joking . . . though it’s not really that funny.” Try to smile as little as possible while holding out the possibility of forgiveness. You could also accuse the person of being drunk, which is almost always the case. But if someone is offering an entire line of argument that is clearly bigoted or otherwise beyond the bounds of civilized discourse (“I don’t want them in my neighborhood”), someone is honor-bound to make an Atticus Finch–like declaration of belief.

Should the wealthier half of a friendship be expected to give more-expensive gifts?

In an ideal world, no. But in the real world, yeah, pretty much. A rule of thumb: Give according to your means, not the recipient’s. If you’re the richer friend, your impoverished friends will appreciate your generosity infinitely more than a cheap trinket you purchased so as not to embarrass them. If you’re the poorer friend—and you’re worried about being outclassed—get together with other friends of lesser means to pool resources on an item of greater value. Better still, spend extra effort on a thoughtful but nevertheless affordable gift that shows you’ve actually paid attention to your friends’ most obscure tastes and interests.

What’s the best way to avoid awkward crossed-signals handshake-meets-cheek-kiss encounters?

Remember: You can usually get away with unwarranted familiarity if your intended recipient sees it coming. Strike early:

• If you or the person you’re greeting is a woman, start telegraphing your intentions before you make eye contact, either extending your hand or opening your arms according to whim. (Under no circumstances should you give a woman a fist pound.)

• If it’s a masculine pairing, make eye contact and form your hand into the appropriate shake/fist pound/gangster-style-clasp shape before raising your arm. (And never give an elaborate handshake to the uninitiated.)

What do “I’ll call you” or “Let’s have lunch” mean?

In a non-dating situation, these hollow parting comments often translate roughly to “In all likelihood, I won’t call you” and “Let’s not have lunch, though I have generally positive feelings about you.” (Though the recipient has no choice but to be agreeable in the moment and assume the phone won’t ring.) If you’re prone to such phrases, consider deploying “It was good to see you,” which, while perfectly pleasant, won’t confuse anyone.

Can you reject a social networking friend request from someone you know?

No. It’s not as though adding someone to your online social network costs anything: The only potential damage is to the perceived quality of your accumulated friends. And if you know someone who judges you based on your Friendster network, then, well, like Mom said, he’s not your real Internet friend anyway.

How do you end an exchange of witty, flirtatious e-mail banter?

The exchange of witty, flirtatious banter is admittedly the e-mail quagmire with the fewest number of obvious exit strategies. Nonetheless, it should be resolved like real-time witty, flirtatious banter: with one party either summoning the courage to ask for a date or ending the quasi relationship by means of unexplained unresponsiveness.

What do you do when you’ve attended a performance by your aspiring actor/singer/comic friend—and you were driven to tears by its utter banality?

Always lie, but try to do it in ways that aren’t so liar-y. Gush about aspects of the show that weren’t horrid (“Such exquisite costuming!”), compliment the very particular elements of his performance that were adequate, or say something not-technically-false like “That’s exactly what we’ve come to expect from you!” Long-term encouragement of delusional artistic aspirations, though, is impolite: If the invites are repeated, let your nonattendance send a message.

If you accept a dinner invitation and have a miserable time, must you reciprocate?

If someone treats you to dinner at a restaurant or in their home, you owe them the same honor. But if you really can’t stand the inviting individual/couple, a good compromise is to invite them to your next big party. This sends the message that you are thinking about them while minimizing the probability of actual contact.

How far are you obligated to go to accommodate vegetarians and vegans in your home?

If it’s a dinner party, you should have at least one option for each course that suits everyone’s dietary needs, though restricted eaters have the responsibility of letting you know what they can and can’t eat. If you’re the guest, you should politely inform the host of your regimen by way of offering to bring a dish that suits your needs that everyone will “enjoy.” (The less appetizing it sounds—e.g., seaweed dogs—the more likely your horrified host will come up with something better.)

How do you pick restaurants and other social activities in circles that involve widely varying incomes?

Inviting the whole gang over for dinner solves some problems—the poor people won’t have to choose between missing a credit card payment or being treated, and the richer folk get a nice meal if you’re a generally decent cook. Of course, it creates an altogether new problem: In your sensitivity to everyone’s income issues, you alone wind up underwriting the entire evening. That’s fine some of the time, but for another alternative, choose an under-the-radar, inexpensive restaurant where everyone will feel cutting-edge— self-congratulatory hipsterdom knows no class boundaries.

What’s the best way to split the check in a group?

At a group meal, an equal split should be the baseline expectation: It falls to those who ordered more-expensive dishes to offer to pay more, not to others to pay less. Failure to partake in the appetizers or the wine can be cited as a reason to cut one’s contribution only if there was some socially sanctioned reason for declining (veganism, Islam, pregnancy). If you just got the soup and you don’t think that’s fair, well, think about whether it’s “fair” to make your friends eat dinner with a buzz-killing cheapskate.

WHEN IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO TEXT DURING A CONVERSATION?

When it’s a “conversation” in the sense of “The New School Presents a Conversation With Harold Bloom” and you’re there. Otherwise, never. This remains one of society’s most frequent breaches of basic human decency. Seriously, what is wrong with those people?!?

HOW DO YOU TELL SOMEONE HE’S BEEN MISPRONOUNCING YOUR NAME FOR THREE MONTHS?

Tell him a story in which you use your own name, clearly enunciating where he’s got it wrong. For example, if you were Ralph Fiennes, you’d say, “I called him and said, ‘Hi, this is Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe Fines.’ ”

IS IT EVER OKAY TO DRIVE A HUMMER?

Yes! If you’re leading a nighttime raid in Tikrit. Otherwise, Hummers have returned to their rightful place as a semi-obnoxious, semi-absurd rarity. Accepting a ride is different: In New York, being a passenger in any vehicle, matter how gauche or fuel-inefficient, is a rare treat.

via The Urban Etiquette Handbook — New York Magazine.