I had this whole thing written, paragraphs and paragraphs about how I was quitting this blog and most of social media. It was a revelation I came to when I was walking across the Golden Gate Bride about a month ago. I needed to find how it is helpful, how it is beneficial to me. I felt like I was in a rut with it and how nothing much was coming of it.
For the longest time, I never knew that there was such a thing as a trauma trigger. Certain things remind you of other things, good and bad. I figured that is how the brain works. A smell, a place, a word can bring you back to a memory. It just depends on what memories you have as to where your brain will go. I started reading Trigger Warnings at the beginning of written passages that contained depictions of abuse and began to understand that some people become overwhelmed when confronted with their own abuse. I used to be like that, but I am different now. I won’t begin to provide a outline on how to cope with the shitty things that were done to you, those situations are far too individual. I look at it like the abuse that was done to me as a child wired my brain in a specific way that is not beneficial to how I want my life to be. I override the defaults and make it perform how I want it. Basically, I behave in a way that makes me proud of the person I am.
All that being said, my previous trauma triggers have been fairly infrequent and easily manageable. For example, the smell of potting soil will take me back to a very clear memory of my grandfather raping me in the potting shed he had behind his house. I am rarely surprised with the smell of potting soil in my daily life, I pretty much know when I am going smell it. I cannot stop that memory, that connection is there. If I am at a hardware store, I have a brief thought about how I am probably going to smell potting soil, feel sadness for that little boy, and let the memory play out. I cannot stop the memories from happening and choose not to live my life avoiding known triggers.
Lately, with the news of all the men being accused of misconduct, they are all like mini triggers to me. Less about me reliving my own abuse and more about me never confronting my abuser. So seeing a victim recount the abuse makes me wonder how it feels to be able to confront the abuser and tell the secret. I think to myself “that’s got to feel good” to say it out loud and hold the abuser accountable.
Basically, lately I have been constantly ‘triggered.’
I have one more month to decide if I am going to nuke this blog along with the majority of my social media. I have one month to figure out how to make it work for me, not make money, but make my life better because of it.
On to the monthly round up:
The most-played song in my ears last month was Demi Lovato‘s Sorry Not Sorry. When I was calculating the totals, I thought it was odd, but then I remembered cardio at the gym. It is perfect for me there.
The podcasts that I am really into right now are not new ones. I look forward to:
The Skeptics Guide To The Universe because I believe in science and only science.
My Favorite Murder because the only way to understand evil is to look it straight in the eyes and laugh at how pathetic it is.
Natch Beaut because knowing everything about Korean sheet masks can only make you prettier.
Bulletproof Radio because I need this body to perform at it’s best for another 40 years and a weekly bio hack is getting me closer to that goal.
We’re No Doctors because it’s hilarious and I end up learning things.
The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds and Dumb People Town because I need to laugh.
I am rereading BulletProof Diet right now because I need to rededicate my diet a bit, just a slight refresh. (by ‘reading’ I mean listing to the audiobook, I have the physical book somewhere, but have not located it since the move)
We just finished binge-watching How To Get Away With Murder and will be looking for a new series. I have Atomic Blonde all queued up to watch as soon as a movie night is proposed.
I think that is all I got for November. Feel free to give suggestions on anything, I like it when it’s collaborative.